Funny (clean) Jokes, Photos
and other distractions...
Q: Why do Yugos have heated rear windows?
A: To keep your hands warm when you're pushing
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Click here for my list of Car Tunes
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The Car Universe 10 Commandments
1. Thou shalt not read thy Hemmings on company time, lest thy employer make it impossible to continue thy car payments.
2. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's car nor his garage, nor his battery charger.
3. Thou shalt not store thy car out-of-doors except for the wife's Toyota.
4. Thou shalt not deceive thy wife into thinking that thee is taking her for a romantic Sunday drive when indeed thou art going out to look at another car.
5. Thou shalt not love thy cars more than thy wife and children.
6. Thou shalt not despise thy neighbor's Edsel, nor his DeSoto, nor even his '47 Plymouth.
7. Thou shalt not tell thy spouse the entire cost of thy latest restoration, at least not all at the same time.
8. Thou shalt not promise thy wife a new addition for the house and then use it to store cars.
9. Thou shalt not allow thy sons and daughters to get married during the car show season.
10. Thou shalt not buy thy wife a floor jack for Christmas.
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Classified Ads Translation
Needs Minor Work - Needs significant work.
Needs Nothing - Except a tow truck.
Easy Project Car - Completely disassembled, bring many boxes.
Minor Rust - Don't sit down!
Low Mileage - Only 170,000.
Convertible - After driving under truck.
Nice Stereo - To overcome exhaust noise.
Needs Paint - To cover rust.
New Paint - Beautifully covers rust.
All Options - 8-track player.
Only 59,000 Miles - Actually 359,000 miles.
Rare Model - One of 500,000 made.
Summer Fun - Roof leaks in winter.
Summer Fun - Won't make it to fall.
Only Driven Sundays - Sunday is race day.
Engine Rebuilt - Engine degreased to look it.
Trans. Rebuilt - Fine sawdust used to make it quiet.
4 Speed Gearbox - 5th gear is dead.
Hurry, Won't Last - Neither will car.
New Tires - Retreads years ago.
Well Maintained - Oil changed every other leap year.
Drives Like a Dream - Nightmare.
Always Garaged - Embarrassed to leave it outside.
Family Owned - Driven by 6 teenagers.
Fully Restored - Nothing original.
All Original - I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
Smog Exempt - DMV doesn't think so.
Moving, Must Sell - Off to jail, need bail money.
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Oil Changing Instructions
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil
change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.
Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car
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How to identify a driver's home
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, one hand in pants, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California (with gun in lap: L.A.)
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on Latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado
One hand on steering, yelling obscenities, the other hand a waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plates.
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